I Have No Good Title for This Post

I would have sworn the JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank was really a Star Wars sandcrawler. Apparently it is not – nor is it a toy or model since it costs almost $20k.

I don’t know how amazon.com deemed it an item that I might be interested in, but they did. And it seems that at least 75 others stumbled upon it and reviewed it…….though I’d be highly skeptical if a single one of those guys owns it.

Though it might not be the weirdest thing that amazon sells, it definitely generates some of the the funniest reviews I have ever seen on their site. It’s light reading for the end-of-the-month post.

BLOSSOM TIME II

Here is my favorite ride that was at Blossom Time. WTF?

Too bad the Flight 800 or Challenger simulation rides were already reserved for another festival!

I almost forgot……on the way to Blossom Time I did my good deed of the day. You’d think taking a 7, 5 and 3 yo to a crowded, hot festival would have been my good deed. But I went one better – stopping for an injured bicycler.

Coming over the crest of a hill I spotted him lying in the middle of the road….a motorcycle coming towards both of us. Denton was ready to dial 9-1-1, as I checked on him and then helped the rider up and out of the road – along w/his bike. Apparently, he had come out of his saddle to pump up the hill…..feet firmly in his clips when his chain broke. With no way to quickly dislodge his feet he went over – and went over hard. His shaved (ick) legs were unscathed, but one arm was badly bleeding. I had water and napkins in the car to help him clean the wound (it wasn’t as bad after the blood was washed away) – and used my cell phone to call his parents to come get him. The man was in his 30s or 40s….and visiting from Canada. He had ridden a good 30 miles from his parent’s house – but he refused a ride back there (or to the hospital). He was shaken – but fine….and I can only imagine another car coming over that ridge faster than I was and what his fate might have been.

BLOSSOM TIME I

I have not been to Blossom Time in what I’m guessing is 30yrs. Chagrin was never a great metropolis, but it sure has grown since I was a kid. The rides still look as unstable as when I was a pre-teen. The booths where the carnies have their games look just as seedy. Instead of blacklight posters as prizes, they are now ones of Jessica Simpson, the guy from Prison Break. Instead of face painting there is now temporary tattoos. Instead of stuffed Tweety Bird prizes, now you get SpongeBob. And of course, there is always the live goldfish in a Glad sammich bag for tossing the ping pong ball into the bowl.

The food – still corn dogs, elephant ears, french freedom fries and sno-cones. None of it seemed good for a day pushing 90 degrees when we arrived (94 when we left!). My niece and nephews seemed to have a good time – even though it took me until after we left to realized we didn’t even do ONE kiddie ride. We had to make it to the parade. UGH. (I made it up by getting them ice cream on the way home.)

I don’t remember the parade being unending (Blobby pretty much fried his un-SPF’d head during the 3.5 hrs we were there). We ended up sitting near the end of the parade route. By the time the participants got to us, well…..they just didn’t have it in them. Maybe they didn’t at the start……who knows. The marching band who by that time were just…well…..marching. Drums played….and no one else. But the boys loved the fire trucks – and I guess that is what mattered mostly.

…and bagpipes? Are there anything worse? And you can’t have just one group…..there were two. I swear those “instruments” could raise the dead…..but not in a good way (is there a good way?). When are these guys gonna start dying off? Speaking of dying off, they say that X amount of WWII vets die daily. I now know the source of many of those: they are forced to carry massive flags in full dress uniform in 90+ degree weather for 2 miles…..and they’re 85!!!! It’s enough to make anyone keel over.

And when did parades become political events? There were more judge, representatives, congressmen, etc running for something than there were band members, shrines, fireman and soldier – combined!. Not only that, the fuckers didn’t even throw candy? C’mon – a little something for the tykes who are out in the scortching heat if you even want me to entertain voting for you???

EVEREST

For the last decade or so, I’ve been enthralled w/Mt. Everest. I have a slight desire to go to Nepal to see it. I’m not a mountain climber nor do I have any interest in climbing Everest. Ever.
After reading Into Thin Air my OCD nature allowed me (?) to read most books on and watch most specials/movies on the subject. ….at least my Patricia Hearst phase is over!

But each April/May I eagerly anticipate the climbing season on Everest to see what stories come out of it. This year – nothing good. Most years nothing good – but this year is just tragic. 15 deaths so far. One of the highest climbing fatality seasons ever recorded. But if it were just due to conditions it would be one thing. Total disregard for human life to get to the summit goal is beyond belief.

The two big stories are the climber who was close to death and the 40 people who passed him saying ‘oh, there was nothing that could be done’. …and left him to die. Then there was the climber who was determined to already be dead, but then found to be alive. After being carried down a bit – he walked to base camp on his own. Could the other climber been in the same situation had anyone given a fucking crap about him?

Time and again, from my readings, on how climbers survive the mountain – who have thought to have been lost causes.

But one quote in the news items disturbed me more than others:

“The sheer pressure of numbers and accessibility to these mountains (have) changed the kind of people who go,” said Lydia Bradey, a 44-year-old New Zealander who in 1988 became the first woman to summit Everest without supplemental oxygen.

As a result, Bradey said in a telephone interview, Everest climbers may be forced to decide whether to jeopardize their once-in-a-lifetime investment to help a dying person.

“If you’re going to go to Everest … I think you have to accept responsibility that you may end up doing something that’s not very ethically nice,” she said. “You have to realize that you’re in a different world.”

G-d fuckin forbid that one accepts responsibility that you may end up giving up your dream and goal to do something that is morally and ethically CORRECT. It is, indeed, a different world.

And I think my OCD chain for Everest has been broken.

DOGGIE

We’re still considering getting a pooch. Whiskers seems cute enough……except his name. That would have to go. But Petfinder had his pic rotated oddly. When I go an put it upright, I’m not sure he’s AS cute as I thought. G-d, I hope I’m not talking myself out of a dog. We had to fill out a 6 page questionnaire just to even see Whiskers.

Of course, I had to overthink the questions. The right answer might not be what they are looking for. Dity had to tell me her thoughts from her shelter-working experience. He might not be the dog for us….but there is one out there.

Denton has never had a dog. Neither of us want to upset the cats. We love the cats.

Stupid Wench

…..but to be fair, sometimes you just can’t tell the difference.

OPRAH GOES TO CAMP

At first, I was confident that this was had to be a photoshopped picture.

But upon further investigation (ok….that might be too extreme. One Gooooogle search) shows that she indeed is going to Auschwitz w/Elie Wiesel.

But to the people in marketing: does she have to look so fuckin happy about it?

LXVII

Yesterday we met w/our financial planner. I cannot tell you what a funk I’ve been in ever since. I can’t quite place the reason. In her terms, we’re doing the right things on planning for the future. Sure, we can look at our expenses and see what we can cut back, but we’re on track.

If I had to narrow my mood down to a specific reason, I can probably get it down to three. Maybe there is no specific reason. But let’s break it down:

67. It’s the age in which I can retire. Denton too. Only he’ll be 70 by the time I retire. Doesn’t seem like a lot of time to do things. I mean, between artificial hip and knee replacements – what are two old men to do?

24.3. More years of work until I reach 67. A frickin’ quarter of a century left to go!!!! How incredibly depressing.

90. The actuarial age they used to plan our finances and retirement. I run out of money by the time I’m 90. Denton too. Oh, but by the time I hit 90, in our printed out timeline – Denton has xx next to him. Yes – he’s DEAD!

In the best circumstances I don’t want to live to 90. And I don’t really want to live w/out Denton. In reality, I never thought I’d make t0 35. I think I’d be a lot farther ahead if I truly thought I would live this long. I would have started earlier than I did in my investment stuff – but the irony is, at that time, I wasn’t making enough to really put too much away.

Afterward, I just walked down to Barnes & Noble and bought the new Dixie Chicks cd - while Denton hobbled behind me…..w/out his cane.

Monday Moaning etc

“Why are so many people, including clergy, raising a fuss about ‘The Da Vinci Code’ movie? Hello? It’s based on a novel, which means it’s fiction.”

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a Monday Moaning. They just haven’t been Grandpa Simpson-y enough. This one isn’t either – but it brings up a bigger thought(s). The Da Vinci Code is a novel. But in my estimation, for the most part, so is the bible. It’s a great work of fiction.

Critics, consumers and Oprah (ha!) sit here and criticize James Frey for his work: A memoir. (disclaimer: I’ve never read James Frey and could care less about anything he puts to paper.) Apparently memoirs are based on experiences as the author remembers it. They need not to have everything corroborated. So in theory – all autobiographies are memoirs unless you have a factual basis for everything that hits the page. If not everything – then what is the threshold that makes the work ‘true’?

….and where does this leave the bible? Stories handed down over decades or centuries before being put to paper. Stories that have no basis in fact. Stories – if exact same events were told today (i.e. parting of the Red Sea, fish and loaves, water to wine) would be written off by the 24 news cycle as looney news items. People claiming to be the ’son of g-d’ would be given psychiatric evaluations and written off as nutso.

All these bible-reading, jesus-believing, g-d fearing folks all assume they will know ‘him’ when he comes again….b/c after all they are good christians (don’t get me started on that oxymoron!). But they won’t. They look for Mary in grilled cheese sammiches and on the sides of water towers and in underpasses. Now who is the fucking nutso?

….and THAT people is how you write a Monday Moaning!

As Lionel Hutz would say: “I rest my case!……What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. CASE CLOSED!”

MY FORTUNE

Here it is – fresh from a cookie I got during a chinese lunch provided by a vendor last week:

Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer

WTF? I’ve been making parallelograms w/my mints. I am sooo f*cked.