EVEN AMONG MISFISTS, WE’RE MISFITS!

Rudolph was on the other night. Clearly a classic – but I’m pretty sure I can deconstruct it…if that’s the right word.

First off – how is it that Rudolph and Hermie aren’t gay and on their way to life-partnerhood? Christmastown deems them as outcasts and drive them from their homes and offices – misunderstood and disliked. …and honestly, does this world need another gay dentist?? What is up with that?

Rudolph, takes off after being maligned and humiliated by that asshole Coach, Comet!!!! He is the P.E. teacher we all dreaded having. Intolerant, and not only does he spew hate, he does nothing to discourage poor sportsman-like behaviour among his athletes.

Donner, his father, is no better by turning his back on his own son. Mrs. Donner (who btw is so beaten down, that she not only doesn’t have her own name, but is told that searching for Rudolph is ‘man’s work’). Only Clarice, Rudy’s fag-hag, is understanding. This is after poor Rudolph, earlier in the show, tries to conform to societal norms by trying to do “it” with a girl. He protests a tad too much with the “I’m cute! I’m cute! She thinks I’m cuuuuuuuuuute!!!!”. He’s fooling no one.

Yukon Cornelius is the older bear sage who helps guide the youngsters to a more accepting life. I’m sure the end of his pick-axe isn’t the only thing he was licking.

And where do they end up? Why, the Island of Misfit Toys, of course. A land filled with misunderstood folks who are basically forced to create their own world just to feel any normalcy in their situation. We call them: gay bars. But as in gay life, those on the island are judgmental and cast out the three strangers. You’d think they’d understand the predicament of Hermie, Rudolph and Yukon.


…and of course, you can’t go to one of those “islands” and not stumble upon a methed-out queen monster! It’s only a matter of time before the crystal destroys his teeth anyway. Hermie was only doing him a favor by removing all his chompers.

The part that is pure fiction is the acceptance of the town. In reality, the other reindeers would have beaten the crap out of Rudolph, tied him to the sleigh and dragged him around for 20 miles and left him alone on the frozen tundra.

Wasn’t this fun?

I still love Rudolph. Honest. Though I will say, Burl Ives’ snowman still creeps me out a bit.

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