F’Uglyville – population: me

I’ve seen this ‘lounge’ around Farragut North for the last few months and it just makes me giggle.

I’d never go to a place like this. Not that I don’t need to, but I don’t think I’m vain enough to. …not that there’s anything wrong with that. And I guess by ‘vain’, I mean ‘comfortable enough’.

We all know here about my issues with self-esteem and I never would think to take the time or money to spend on keeping up an average appearance. What could they possibly do anyway – not just for me, but for anyone? Is there some hair product to make me suave? I mean that isn’t Suave.

No surprise that I haven’t even stepped foot into a barber in almost a decade. I do my own hair. Clippers with no attachments. I take it to the skull. I haven’t done the shave thing…….yet. I don’t know how I’d look as Egghead. Sure, it worked for Vincent Price on Batman, but for Blobby? I’m not convinced.

You don’t know this, but I have these bumps on my head. I’ve always had them. I called them ‘bald spots’ growing up. Kids in 3rd grade aren’t supposed to have ‘bald spots’. I don’t know what they really are. I guess I should ask my mother, but I’m guessing it is something from birth. Oddly enough, they don’t sense touch.

I’ve told people for years it was from a time when I ran out in front of a car when I was like 4 years old. But that’s not true. I mean, I did run out in front of it and get hit, but that’s not why I have the bumps/scars/bald spots. As kids can be, I’ve been told my entire life that “YOU’RE going bald!”, even when I wasn’t. Yet.

The whole frickin‘ head is a bald spot anymore. I got over that pretty early. Back in the summer of ’84 (ahhh…’Purple Rain’), I was staying in NYC and got my hair ‘spiked’ at Astor Place Barber. It was the rage at the time and the place to go – and cheap! I’m all about the cheap. Anyhooo….my hair never quite filled in again after that. Not that anyone else would have known it, but I did.

I fretted about this for a year – but was never one to do anything about that…as if a 22 yo could afford Rogaine, which they hadn’t even invented yet. There was nothing to do.

At some point I just to the place where I started cutting my hair cut shorter and more often. It looked like I was in charge of my hair loss, which was just screwy. But I love buzzing my hair. You can’t screw it up…it is perfect. And I like the way it looks on me. If I was ever embarrassed about going bald, it passed a long time ago.

If you want to be embarrassed, go to the barber and have him ask so everyone can hear: “check your ears? eyebrows? nose?” I was MORTIFIED. …well, the first time. You get over that too.

I bet none of the guys in Handsomeville have that issue.

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