Beard Lust

I attempt to never watch commercials. I feel that is why DVRs and/or remotes were created.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a commercial sway me to buy a thing. Ever. Sure, I joke that I must must must have the Egg Wave or the Bedazzler, but I never ever really mean it.

But I think it is possible we’ve come across the most dumb-assed product – ever: the GoateeSaver.

Seriously – you actually hold this “device” in your mouth so you can shave around it to obtain the perfect goatee. Are these people who order this morons, or just Sandy Duncan Louis Braille?

For g-d’s sake, I shave daily in the shower with little need for any mirror, let alone something to trace around to make me look ever so faggy. I’m sorry, did I say ‘faggy’? I meant ‘metrosexual’ – which, of course, is just straight lingo for ‘faggy’.

Late last night, after red wine, then tequila and then oreos (don’t ask) it occurred to me that maybe Hannibal Lecter wasn’t trying to eat people’s faces off, or have an old friend for dinner. Perhaps he was just trying to obtain the perfect van dyke and had actually invented the original prototype for the GoateeSaver.

Yes, it was primitive, but you got where he was coming from and how he wanted to change the world of men’s facial hair. The man was pure genius.

Even if the idea of that Ronco (or whomever is really selling it) is pushing was not totally ridiculous, the results speak for themselves.

Creepiest. Goatee. Ever. Apparently, it provides some kind of indoor/outdoor carpeting for your face.

I don’t think his choice of lip gloss is helping matters any.

Song by: Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head