Category Archives: Television

Hard Times

How much tougher can this economy get?

GM. Circuit City. Madoff. U2 selling only 484,000 copies of their shiteous new disk in a week. The horror of it all!

Now word on the Street is that Mr. Hooper, Gordon and gang are cutting 20% of their staff. Yes, the folks on Sesame Street are getting the axe.

I guess Mr. Hooper doesn’t really have to worry, as he’s been taking the big dirt nap for a decade or two now. I have no idea if Gordo and Susan are even still on the show. They must be grandparents by now, no? And what has become of Bob McGrath?

Not that they are asking for one, but if the Children’s Television Workshop ever asked for a bailout, it should be turned down. Flat. No one on that block ever pulled their weight

To be fair, after Hooper died, the only one on that block who had a job was my personal favourite, Grover.

Oh, Grover might not have been the most competent waiter – but he tried. It’s more than I can say for the rest of them.

Where did Cookie Monster get cash for his habit? Maybe that’s why he always stole his sweets? And while I love the Count – just counting things isn’t a job, unless you are a mathematician. I don’t think he was.

Of course, they were frivolous with the clumsy waiter who would always drop the 10 banana cream pies…..or whatever the sponsor number of the show might have been that day. But on a daily basis, they lost tons of food due to waiter error. Not Grover.

I’m not even going near Ernie & Burt. Two confirmed bachelors, sharing expenses with their disposable incomes are rarely affected by such an economic downturn. Too bad Mr. Noodle’s brother, Mr. Noodle died a few years back. I’m sure he’s turning in his grave.

The only one not feeling a change of course would be Oscar. He’s already used to living on the street and eating scraps.

Elmo however, can rot in hell.

Song by: Emmylou Harris

Beard Lust

I attempt to never watch commercials. I feel that is why DVRs and/or remotes were created.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a commercial sway me to buy a thing. Ever. Sure, I joke that I must must must have the Egg Wave or the Bedazzler, but I never ever really mean it.

But I think it is possible we’ve come across the most dumb-assed product – ever: the GoateeSaver.

Seriously – you actually hold this “device” in your mouth so you can shave around it to obtain the perfect goatee. Are these people who order this morons, or just Sandy Duncan Louis Braille?

For g-d’s sake, I shave daily in the shower with little need for any mirror, let alone something to trace around to make me look ever so faggy. I’m sorry, did I say ‘faggy’? I meant ‘metrosexual’ – which, of course, is just straight lingo for ‘faggy’.

Late last night, after red wine, then tequila and then oreos (don’t ask) it occurred to me that maybe Hannibal Lecter wasn’t trying to eat people’s faces off, or have an old friend for dinner. Perhaps he was just trying to obtain the perfect van dyke and had actually invented the original prototype for the GoateeSaver.

Yes, it was primitive, but you got where he was coming from and how he wanted to change the world of men’s facial hair. The man was pure genius.

Even if the idea of that Ronco (or whomever is really selling it) is pushing was not totally ridiculous, the results speak for themselves.

Creepiest. Goatee. Ever. Apparently, it provides some kind of indoor/outdoor carpeting for your face.

I don’t think his choice of lip gloss is helping matters any.

Song by: Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head